Pregnancy

I found this entry in my journal from one of the early weeks of this pregnancy. It was a morning that I was super restless and couldn't sleep. I find I'm enjoying these early morning hours more and more the crazier life gets. But anyway- here is what I wrote:


Pregnancy more or less threw me off guard. I had just gotten married with one semester left of college. There were two really awesome moments of the whole thing start to finish: 1. telling my friend Rachel I was pregnant and 2. waiting for Joe to get my iced mocha from Starbucks on the way home from the hospital with Bear in the back seat. "somehow" I thought, "we did it."

Once you get home and things are going ok- you start to forget. Forget what it was like. Forget the fears you had. The doubts. The insecurities. You still have insecurities about being a parent, sure. It's the pregnancy ones that you start to forget about.

I forgot about the yoga instructor who made me cry in class by telling me I looked "horrible and exhausted." I forgot about the nurse who acted so frustrated that we were in the hospital.I forgot about the cold, dark, empty delivery room. I forgot about them taking Bear away without a reason why.

You forget because there is no time to dwell on it. Your a mom. With a crying infant. All of a sudden you have new fears and insecurities to deal with.

At least, until you find out you are pregnant again and it all comes flooding out. In the form of tears. Anger. Restlessness.

At that point, I guess, you have to deal with it. How do you get there? How do you get to that happy, ecstatic, life altering pregnancy that you hear about? How do you deal with your worries and fears constructively?....


Almost seven months later, I'm still not sure. Talking them out with Joe, Julie, and Jen (our midwives) certainly helps. Writing them out also is becoming a cathartic experience. Most importantly, it's been other moms. Hearing their stories. Listening to their fears. Laughing about placentas and "bad mom moments."

In our attempt to do everything right or by the book I think I keep forgetting how important a community surrounding us really is.

So go laugh with a friend- really. Preggers or not.

-Lauren